[ As much as he wants to reach out to Psyche and pull her close, he knows he shouldn’t. While he might feel numb and almost empty at that memory, there’s no way someone like Psyche wouldn’t feel sick from it.
And so, he waits. She can pass whatever judgement on him she likes. He’s used to it. ]
[ She knows he's waiting. How hard must it be after that memory to stand there calmly while she works through things? So she takes a deep breath, and then a deeper one. As bruised as her emotions are right now she almost feels as if he's the fragile one.
She finally lifts her head to look up at him properly. Carefully, as if she expects him to dodge away from her touch too, she reaches out to try to take two firm handfuls of the front of his robe. ]
Wei Ying... will you keep running away from the people who love you, if I want to talk?
[ She nods and takes a deeper breath, holding tight. It's not a hug yet. She feels a little too ill for that still. But she holds onto his robes and rests her forehead against him, closing her eyes again. Where does she start...? ]
We were sent to be educated by his Sect, in which he berated us and forced us to hunt monsters for him. Then, he attempted to leave us all in a cave with an almost unbeatable monster. Lan Wangji and I were forced to deal with it ourselves after we allowed the others to escape, and it almost killed me.
Shortly after, he destroyed the place I grew up and killed the Sect leader, leaving Jiang Cheng and Yanli without parents. Then he kidnapped Jiang Cheng and took his core away from him, which I replaced with my own. He later found me and threw me into the Burial Mounds.
[ Who loves him, deeply. She presses herself closer, easing herself relaxed one heartbeat at a time. Loosening her grip on his robe. Letting her breathing even.
Her fingers clench in the fabric again at the brutal simplicity of those words. Broad strokes that encompass so much pain. Slowly, she nods. ]
And your brother. That's why... he was happy to watch. And to help.
[ She doesn't know him. She can't imagine what the two of them had been through. And she doesn't know if he'd felt as empty as Wei Wuxian had, during that.
Slowly she wraps her arms around him in a proper embrace. ]
I thought... he must have cared about you a lot. Because I felt the same thing. It hurts, seeing you hurt like that. I wanted to reach for you, too. I'm so sorry.
[ The embrace feels comforting, making a warmth spread in his chest and ease away some of that cold numbness. ]
You can always reach for me, Psyche. I’ll take your hand.
[ But… he lets out a soft sigh. ]
I don’t know that Lan Wangji thought I was hurt. He thought I was a heretic, and probably wanted to fix me so I’d cultivate properly. A real shame, since I didn’t mind his company all too much.
[ The reassurance loosens a tension in her, and she lets out a quiet sigh.
"Didn't mind his company that much"... as if Psyche hadn't felt his own hurt feelings. If it weren't for everything she'd just seen, she could laugh. ]
Mm... you know him better. But to me, it looked like he was afraid of losing you. [ She's a little afraid now, honestly. But after a beat of hesitation she makes herself ask anyway. ] ...Was he right, about what it was doing to you? If you had to choose, would you do all of that again?
[ That’s the big question here, isn’t it? He doesn’t say anything for a long, long moment. ]
Lan Zhan was right.
[ He thought he had a control on it back home, that he could keep it from affecting his emotional state, his very being. Being without it for a while, though, has changed his disposition and he can’t deny it. ]
And if I had to choose… I would probably do it all again, solely because Jiang Cheng needed my core to continue on. I had no other choice, so my hand would be forced no matter what.
[ She gives a nod, strangely unsurprised. Maybe at least in part because it's what she wants to hear. Is she doing the same thing to herself again? She rubs her palms slowly up and down his back, unsure which of them she's soothing. ]
He needed it... but you didn't?
[ She won't let him answer that, because she can fill in enough. It's the contradiction of him that's so like Medea. The willingness to sacrifice so much as if they don't even see their own hurt, and at the same time, the very genuine ruthlessness. She knows what broke Medea. Maybe she understands a little what did the same to him. ]
And what about the things you did to Wen Chao? As you are right now, I mean. Would you torture him? Force him to eat his own flesh, feed parts of him to ghosts?
[ She feels her stomach wrench a little saying it, but she won't pretend it's not what she saw. ]
love it!!!!! Cw for torture and suicidal ideation mention
[ She cuts him off before he can say that Jiang Cheng would have wasted away without his core, would have allowed himself to simply die whereas Wei Wuxian would live regardless. He had to take care of Jiang Cheng. He promised. ]
As I am now…?
[ He has to consider it. What would it be like to be consumed by such rage again? Would he be, without all of that resentful energy? ]
I would still torture him.
[ But what isn’t said is that he wouldn’t go as far, but Psyche can probably assume as much.
…It’s a good thing he never disliked anyone here, isn’t it? ]
[ She looks up at him, quiet and calm, letting herself take in everything that means for as long as she needs.
She knows what it is to hate deeply. Is the reason she's never hated like that only because she hasn't lost as much? Or just because she's too cowardly? It's hard for her to know. ]
...I've never been able to stand seeing people in pain. If something like that ever happened again, I would probably fight you, too. I can't tell you that he deserved to live. But I would have wished for a quick death for him. Can you accept that about me?
[ He looks away, at a spot on the ground just past her shoulder as he thinks this over. Did Lan Wangji really do it out of care? As far as Wei Wuxian is aware, the man has never liked him even for a moment.
But what matters more is Psyche in front of him and in his arms.
Without all of that resentful energy flowing through him, he’s… tired. ]
Next time, I’ll kill quickly. But I can’t guarantee that I will should you ever die and I seek revenge.
[ She doesn't need a promise from him. That's enough. So she gives a nod and squeezes him tighter, letting out a quiet sigh of relief. ]
I can't do anything about that. But if it matters... I wouldn't want or need revenge. All I want is for you to be happy. And I would be so frustrated if I became the reason for you losing yourself.
[ She can't think of a time when she'd ever been afraid to die. But that would be so bitter, wouldn't it? For her death to be used to hurt someone she loves so much. ]
[ That laugh feels a little painful, she thinks. ]
Hm... would that be a threat, or a promise? But, I can do that. I'll haunt you and watch over you. I'd make sure that you took care of yourself and stayed—
[ Ah, she'd slipped before. She catches herself this time. ]
[ It certainly feels like a promise more than anything else. He isn’t sure what emotion wells up inside of him, a complex mishmash of them settling in his chest and up into his throat and choking him up.
Despite his best attempt to keep his voice even, it wavers. ]
[ Ah, that expression... it hurts, but it's a healing sort of hurt. She unwinds one arm to reach up and stroke his cheek gently before she tries to draw his head down to her shoulder. More softly, she adds, ]
Tears aren't a sign of weakness.
[ If he wants to cry, he should. He told her that, too. ]
[ She runs her fingers through his hair, slow and careful, and then just settles her hand on his back to rub gently. She won't comment on the trembling. ]
Then that's where I'll be. ...You've been so strong for so long. Won't you let yourself rest for just a little while now?
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And so, he waits. She can pass whatever judgement on him she likes. He’s used to it. ]
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She finally lifts her head to look up at him properly. Carefully, as if she expects him to dodge away from her touch too, she reaches out to try to take two firm handfuls of the front of his robe. ]
Wei Ying... will you keep running away from the people who love you, if I want to talk?
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He hasn't done that before. ]
...I won't.
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You must have hated him... so much.
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He ruined my life, wholly and completely.
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[ Is it cruel to ask him to explain that, when it won't make anything better? But she wants to understand him. ]
It doesn't have to be right now, if you need time first.
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We were sent to be educated by his Sect, in which he berated us and forced us to hunt monsters for him. Then, he attempted to leave us all in a cave with an almost unbeatable monster. Lan Wangji and I were forced to deal with it ourselves after we allowed the others to escape, and it almost killed me.
Shortly after, he destroyed the place I grew up and killed the Sect leader, leaving Jiang Cheng and Yanli without parents. Then he kidnapped Jiang Cheng and took his core away from him, which I replaced with my own. He later found me and threw me into the Burial Mounds.
[ That’s the short of it. ]
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[ Who loves him, deeply. She presses herself closer, easing herself relaxed one heartbeat at a time. Loosening her grip on his robe. Letting her breathing even.
Her fingers clench in the fabric again at the brutal simplicity of those words. Broad strokes that encompass so much pain. Slowly, she nods. ]
And your brother. That's why... he was happy to watch. And to help.
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[ Wei Wuxian will always come second above Jiang Cheng's own personal wants and desires, and he's fine with that. ]
As for Lan Wangji... he isn't my friend. We're acquaintances, but we really don't get along well.
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[ She doesn't know him. She can't imagine what the two of them had been through. And she doesn't know if he'd felt as empty as Wei Wuxian had, during that.
Slowly she wraps her arms around him in a proper embrace. ]
I thought... he must have cared about you a lot. Because I felt the same thing. It hurts, seeing you hurt like that. I wanted to reach for you, too. I'm so sorry.
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You can always reach for me, Psyche. I’ll take your hand.
[ But… he lets out a soft sigh. ]
I don’t know that Lan Wangji thought I was hurt. He thought I was a heretic, and probably wanted to fix me so I’d cultivate properly. A real shame, since I didn’t mind his company all too much.
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"Didn't mind his company that much"... as if Psyche hadn't felt his own hurt feelings. If it weren't for everything she'd just seen, she could laugh. ]
Mm... you know him better. But to me, it looked like he was afraid of losing you. [ She's a little afraid now, honestly. But after a beat of hesitation she makes herself ask anyway. ] ...Was he right, about what it was doing to you? If you had to choose, would you do all of that again?
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Lan Zhan was right.
[ He thought he had a control on it back home, that he could keep it from affecting his emotional state, his very being. Being without it for a while, though, has changed his disposition and he can’t deny it. ]
And if I had to choose… I would probably do it all again, solely because Jiang Cheng needed my core to continue on. I had no other choice, so my hand would be forced no matter what.
[ He doesn’t regret it. ]
cannibalism mention bc it's my morning for this
He needed it... but you didn't?
[ She won't let him answer that, because she can fill in enough. It's the contradiction of him that's so like Medea. The willingness to sacrifice so much as if they don't even see their own hurt, and at the same time, the very genuine ruthlessness. She knows what broke Medea. Maybe she understands a little what did the same to him. ]
And what about the things you did to Wen Chao? As you are right now, I mean. Would you torture him? Force him to eat his own flesh, feed parts of him to ghosts?
[ She feels her stomach wrench a little saying it, but she won't pretend it's not what she saw. ]
love it!!!!! Cw for torture and suicidal ideation mention
As I am now…?
[ He has to consider it. What would it be like to be consumed by such rage again? Would he be, without all of that resentful energy? ]
I would still torture him.
[ But what isn’t said is that he wouldn’t go as far, but Psyche can probably assume as much.
…It’s a good thing he never disliked anyone here, isn’t it? ]
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She knows what it is to hate deeply. Is the reason she's never hated like that only because she hasn't lost as much? Or just because she's too cowardly? It's hard for her to know. ]
...I've never been able to stand seeing people in pain. If something like that ever happened again, I would probably fight you, too. I can't tell you that he deserved to live. But I would have wished for a quick death for him. Can you accept that about me?
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I can.
[ He looks away, at a spot on the ground just past her shoulder as he thinks this over. Did Lan Wangji really do it out of care? As far as Wei Wuxian is aware, the man has never liked him even for a moment.
But what matters more is Psyche in front of him and in his arms.
Without all of that resentful energy flowing through him, he’s… tired. ]
Next time, I’ll kill quickly. But I can’t guarantee that I will should you ever die and I seek revenge.
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I can't do anything about that. But if it matters... I wouldn't want or need revenge. All I want is for you to be happy. And I would be so frustrated if I became the reason for you losing yourself.
[ She can't think of a time when she'd ever been afraid to die. But that would be so bitter, wouldn't it? For her death to be used to hurt someone she loves so much. ]
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You’d haunt me yourself, wouldn’t you?
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Hm... would that be a threat, or a promise? But, I can do that. I'll haunt you and watch over you. I'd make sure that you took care of yourself and stayed—
[ Ah, she'd slipped before. She catches herself this time. ]
—stayed the Wei Wuxian I care for.
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Despite his best attempt to keep his voice even, it wavers. ]
I think… I’d like that.
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[ Ah, that expression... it hurts, but it's a healing sort of hurt. She unwinds one arm to reach up and stroke his cheek gently before she tries to draw his head down to her shoulder. More softly, she adds, ]
Tears aren't a sign of weakness.
[ If he wants to cry, he should. He told her that, too. ]
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I want you by my side as well.
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Then that's where I'll be. ...You've been so strong for so long. Won't you let yourself rest for just a little while now?
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[ He breathes out, breath hot against her collarbones, before he relaxes. There really is something about her that just… settles him.
His arms snake around her waist, pulling her closer. ]
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