[Oh, it's starting now? Haruka startles, flinching and leaning back. It's not the fastest reaction, and he definitely would have still gotten hit by the flute, but!! It's a reaction!!]
[ He gets it. Wei Wuxian has done all sorts of things because he didn't want to die. That's why he doesn't continue bullying Haruka despite him being such an easy target. ]
[It’s a reasonable question, but it’s not something Haruka’s ever had to actually consider before. It’s never something he’s wanted to do, even when he was at his angriest and most destructive.
But if it’s to save himself from someone who wants him dead?]
I don’t know.
[He doesn’t get the feeling Wei Wuxian would think him a monster if he said yes, and he’d probably understand if he said no, but Haruka has no idea. It’s still a concept that’s too abstract.
There’s a soft, nervous admittance though, as if Haruka is afraid voicing it will make it a real possibility.]
[ Oh, he didn't think he'd be putting Haruka through so much emotional turmoil. Oops. But it does give him a lot of insight into the way Haruka thinks, even if his answer is noncommittal. ]
There's no shame in falling on either side of the coin... or not knowing until the situation happens upon you.
[ He feels a little bit bad for making Haruka answer, so he'll add his own personal tidbit: ]
When I was younger, I never anticipated taking the amount of lives that I have.
…You care enough to offer to protect me, and to train me so I can defend myself, but you seem flippant over killing people yourself or what happens to them. It’s like you’re kind and compassionate but distant and callous at the same time.
[And he doesn’t know what he’s done to earn that concern besides be hopeless.]
It actually takes Wei Wuxian a second or two to respond. ]
You aren't wrong. In fact, you're quite perceptive, Haruka. I had no choice but to develop that callousness during the war, and it's stuck with me sense. It's impossible to get rid of once you have it.
You had to do what you can to survive, and... sometimes when you're hurt, you can't always heal.
[Which... maybe he's making some assumptions, there, but wars are terrible things. There's so much loss, and danger, and things you don't want to be done but you have to for your survival...
Which isn't something Haruka can relate to, and it's something he knows he can't. For a brief moment, he feels almost guilty, like he should be doing more for Wei Wuxian then he already is, like there's some burden he has to help him with, but...
That's awful presumptuous, isn't it? Haruka isn't anyone that important, or special, and he can't change anything about what Wei Wuxian has and will deal with in his life.]
But... maybe it's for the best to not be entirely soft-hearted, if you're not sure how safe you can be. I don't think being callous and protecting yourself makes you a bad person, Wei Wuxian-san.
[He's sure the things he's done don't hold a candle to the things Wei Wuxian has done or been through, but...
He would hate it if someone had given up on him, just for that. It would make it harder to stand himself.]
I'm not sure if all of that matters - I mean. Of course it does, but...
[He hugs his legs a bit tighter, resting his head against his knees as he looks at Wei Wuxian.]
You made your choices and you're living with them, but that's not all that will make you good or bad. There's always the days ahead of us, too. And while we're here, I can support you with them, if... if you want me to! Of course, if you don't want that all that much, that's fine. It's whatever.
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Hmm. I think you have some quick reflexes to start with. This might not be as difficult as I was expecting.
[ Sorry, Haruka. He thinks you're a little soft... which isn't necessarily a bad thing. ]
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[He can’t really be insulted, but he’s a little insulted.]
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[ Prove yourself, Haruka. He believes in you... mostly. ]
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[Huff puff… He’s no failure, Wei Wuxian! Just watch, he’ll get so good at dodging.]
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[ He laughs again, laying back on the ground. Who cares if his robes get dirty anyway? ]
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Sh-shut up! It’s not that funny!
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[ He does stop laughing though, if only so he can smirk at Haruka. ]
All joking aside, the vast majority are not trained in combat. It is simply the way things are. Don't worry about being "pathetic".
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But he does ease up after a moment, even if he’s still pouting.]
I’m not worried.
[He’s absolutely worried.]
I don’t care if I’m pathetic, I just don’t want to die yet. If there’s anything I can do, I’ll do it.
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Does that include killing someone else?
[ His tone isn't judgmental, at least. ]
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[It’s a reasonable question, but it’s not something Haruka’s ever had to actually consider before. It’s never something he’s wanted to do, even when he was at his angriest and most destructive.
But if it’s to save himself from someone who wants him dead?]
I don’t know.
[He doesn’t get the feeling Wei Wuxian would think him a monster if he said yes, and he’d probably understand if he said no, but Haruka has no idea. It’s still a concept that’s too abstract.
There’s a soft, nervous admittance though, as if Haruka is afraid voicing it will make it a real possibility.]
Maybe?
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There's no shame in falling on either side of the coin... or not knowing until the situation happens upon you.
[ He feels a little bit bad for making Haruka answer, so he'll add his own personal tidbit: ]
When I was younger, I never anticipated taking the amount of lives that I have.
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But… is his life any more valuable then anyone else’s? It’s hard to say.]
…Wei Wuxian-san…
[He’s not really sure what to say, so he just flops onto the ground next to him and pulls his knees to his chest.]
I’m sorry. I’ll… do my best, so you don’t have to do anything for me, and…
[He trails off, shaking his head.]
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Don't think of it that way. Do your best for yourself. Whether or not I do anything for you is my choice and has no bearing on your choices.
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When’s the last time he even thought about that?]
You seem like an expert in things like this.
[Which is?? Mildly alarming?]
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[ Well. ]
To be fair, I did participate in a war.
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[help]
Yeah, that’s… that’s pretty fair.
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I have killed outside of the war, but it's only ever been for personal grudges.
[ He doesn't kill indiscriminately, he swears. ]
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[looks back at ryou.........................................
hm,
why does he keep meeting people totally down with murder?]
This all paints a very odd picture of you, Wei Wuxian-san.
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[ He's genuinely curious. But don't worry, Haruka, you can't hurt his feelings if it's not nice. ]
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[And he doesn’t know what he’s done to earn that concern besides be hopeless.]
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It actually takes Wei Wuxian a second or two to respond. ]
You aren't wrong. In fact, you're quite perceptive, Haruka. I had no choice but to develop that callousness during the war, and it's stuck with me sense. It's impossible to get rid of once you have it.
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[Which... maybe he's making some assumptions, there, but wars are terrible things. There's so much loss, and danger, and things you don't want to be done but you have to for your survival...
Which isn't something Haruka can relate to, and it's something he knows he can't. For a brief moment, he feels almost guilty, like he should be doing more for Wei Wuxian then he already is, like there's some burden he has to help him with, but...
That's awful presumptuous, isn't it? Haruka isn't anyone that important, or special, and he can't change anything about what Wei Wuxian has and will deal with in his life.]
But... maybe it's for the best to not be entirely soft-hearted, if you're not sure how safe you can be. I don't think being callous and protecting yourself makes you a bad person, Wei Wuxian-san.
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…I’d like to think I’m not, and while there’s a lot that you don’t know about me, perhaps it does say something that you think that about me at all.
[ Haruka is wiser than Wei Wuxian gave him credit for… maybe he should stop making so many assumptions. ]
I’ve made the choices I have made because I believe them to be the right thing to do. While I’ve never doubted it… the support is nice.
[ He doesn’t have much of it. ]
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He would hate it if someone had given up on him, just for that. It would make it harder to stand himself.]
I'm not sure if all of that matters - I mean. Of course it does, but...
[He hugs his legs a bit tighter, resting his head against his knees as he looks at Wei Wuxian.]
You made your choices and you're living with them, but that's not all that will make you good or bad. There's always the days ahead of us, too. And while we're here, I can support you with them, if... if you want me to! Of course, if you don't want that all that much, that's fine. It's whatever.
[tsuns]
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